His hair was perfect!

Yeah, so like there is not enough stuff to drive me nuts….

All these so called intellectual people saying “I could care less”, which means, you care, therefore you could actually care less.  So, hey maybe you ment to say “I couldn’t care less”….well then, obviously you are at the lowest point of caring, and you could not possibly care less.  So hey, pull your heads out of your ass and say it like you mean it.  I’m going to slap the next person who says this wrong…..could it be you!

Just think, I suck at writing…and even I know this.

….a new holiday of sorts.  A day where you can pay a fee and be able to kick some-body’s ass without fear of punishment.  I know what you’re thinking….what about the guy who’s ass you want to kick.  Simple, he or she can pay a fee to keep people from kicking their ass.  I know…I know, it’s brilliant.  Taxes would be a thing of the past.  Nice people would be rewarded due to not having to pay the fee…..unless of course some asshole who has had their ass kicked a dozen or so times wants some payback, but still for the most part, it would work.  Sure this idea came out of me wanting to kick some-body’s ass, but hey, you never know when a good idea is going to bite you in the butt.

Now lets not get carried away, you would only be able to do this once a year, and of course a person is only eligible for one ass-kicking a year.  I mean we are a civilized society.  So, not only would we not have to pay taxes because of the money coming in, our payments for therapy would go down…..because we all know there’s no better therapy like a good ass-kicking.  Just saying the words “ass kicking” makes me feel better.

I know what you’re thinking…..”why didn’t I come up with this idea?”  I’ll tell you why….its because you need a good ass-kicking!

So my boss calls me in and says check this out, hands me an email from a woman I trained a few years ago but is no longer with the company.  Basically it said I didn’t teach her enough to help her with her career, and because of this she believes I’m a hindrance to the company.  HUH!

Here is the skinny….This gal came into our organization and told me straight out that she would only be there a couple of years (due to new marriage etc)  Of course I didn’t tell the boss, but knowing what I knew, I didn’t waste my time teaching her every little thing either.  After a year, she asked me for a letter of recommendation, which I gave her and me being partial to the ladies, gave her a glowing report, most of which was not warranted.  Anyway, I helped her get her new position and now she’s pissed because she’s in way over her head.  Dumb ass.  so yeah, blame me for you problems…  wow, that was harsh.  Thank god my boss that it was funny.

I do a lot of things, but nothing is more important than being a DAD. 

Last night my son told me I was the best dad in the universe.  He went on to say “do you know why I said universe?” I said no.  He then said, “well didn’t you hear, they are going to send men to mars so I can’t say in the world anymore dad”.

My life is good.

First off, if I would have known writing about turds would generate so many more readers to my blog I would have done it ages ago.  I have zillions of turd stories….but I’ll save them for another day.

My concern today is for all the men out there that want to be married someday.  So listen up!  If you can absolutely help it, don’t marry a woman with a keen sense of smell.  There, I said it, and I just saved thousands…..ok…..1 guy from screwing up his life.

You see, if your wife is a smellnac you are basically screwed because as guys, most things we do have smells associated with them.  Smells we think are no big deal or even awesome can seem to bring out the worst in women.  For instance…yeah, there is always a for instance in my stories….

I love my wife to death, but I get away with nothing….not that I’m trying to get away with anything, but come on, it was just some popcorn for me and the kids, whats the harm.  Well, no harm unless my health food inspector wife smells the popcorn in the air.  And we’re not talking an hour or two later, I’m talking 10 hours….and she can still smell it.  Working on my car is another problem….evidently gas and oil smell is bad, who knew?  God forbid I fart or use the bathroom…..can you say “thank god for the workplace can”  I can’t even shit in my own house without fear of being fully credited and shamed in front of my children.  Oh the humanity.

Her nose also limits my hygiene to “wife approved smells”  so no, I can’t even try the new cool aftershave lotion that is all the rage, or have a toothpaste that I prefer.  antiperspirant has to be odor free as well as my shampoo.  It’s never ending I tell you.  I actually thought Febreze would be the end to all my troubles but she hates the smell of febreze…I mean who hates the smell of febreze? 

But this isn’t about me, this is about getting the message out there that a wife with a HIGH sense of smell can be dangerous.  Marry at your own risk.

Now don’t get me wrong, this didn’t JUST happen, but it did happen……two days after Christmas.  You see I’m a very healthy eater, I do my fruits and veggies like a good little boy and very little red meat or junk food.  I actually pride myself on this although it’s really just an obsession.  Anyway, on Christmas eve, and Christmas day I throw my good eating habits to the wayside.  I basically eat shit.  I figure it’s Christmas so what the heck, one day won’t kill me right?

Well, it may not kill me, but one to two days later I drop the after Christmas Turd.  This is not pretty, so turn and run if you must.  The turd takes 24 to 48 hours to fester……then blammo.  I wish I could compare it to child birth but since the turd doesn’t cry after it comes out I can’t.  The slow and painful process can last 30 minutes.  OH, and it doesn’t end after the SPLASH….although the splash does create some relief in the form of water hitting my rear-end.  No, after the splash, the fun begins, first the toilet clogs, then the plunging….then the 8 hours of not being able to sit on my butt.  Eight hours of vowing never to eat like that again……………………..Until next Christmas of course.

I’ve been so busy that I can’t put more than a few thoughts together…..I know you are all broken up about this so I decided just to ramble a bit.  Bear with me as this blog is dedicated to my friend Susan.

Christmas List:
When my son and daughter put their christmas list together I was not surprised to see that my son’s was HUGE.  I told him he needed to trim it down to what he REALLY REALLY wanted……..he looked at me like I just killed his pet rabbit….and said DAD, it’s not just a list for you to get me, its for everyone that loves me!  How can I argue with that logic.  My daughters list was much smaller…..she wants a IPOD nano and “anything else that dad thinks is cool”…..that about killed her mother……the mother that thought all her daughter would want this year would be clothes. HA.

Walmart:
Why is it when I go into Walmart and don’t buy anything I feel like everyone thinks I just shoplifted something.

Coffee:
Folgers stopped making this certain kind of coffee that my wife drinks…..so she has me stop at every grocery store and check the shelves for this discontinued coffee……again, why is everyone looking at me coming out of the grocery store with nothing in my hands

Gifts:
I love buying gifts….I love seeing someones face light up when I give them that perfect gift.  My wife grabs and goes……did I mention I haven’t gotten a good gift from my wife in 10 years.

Wrapping:
I suck at it……I have multiple degrees, but I can’t wrap a stinking present without using a roll of tape.  Why was I not taught this skill?

Writers Strike:
So the writers are on strike……who cares……I’m just loading up on all the 80’s sitcom DVD’s so I’m good until summer.  From what I’ve read, not a penny of that money I spent on these DVD’s is going to the writers…..HA….they can kiss my ALF watching ass.  Just think if I was a real writer I would be on strike and you wouldn’t have to read this.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 

You know I’ve been called just about everything in the book and I don’t think I’m worse for the wear.  I really don’t think words have ever really hurt me.  I also teach my kids that they should not let words hurt them.  OH, but say a certain word and well that can hurt you….just ask Dog the bounty hunter or IMUS or whoever else has gotten Al Sharpton’s hair to go straight.  Anyone that has watched Dog the bounty hunter is not surprised by his use of bad words….heck, the show is bleeped all the time.  Get over it.

I guess my point is this…..words are just that, words.  It’s up to you to let them bother you or not.  I myself feel more damaged by the lack of certain words.  I never heard my dad tell me he was proud of me nor do I remember him telling me he loved me.  I would rather have you call me all the nasty names you can think of than to deal with that everyday.

Why, oh why did you make dumbledore gay?  You took an Innocent book and turned it into a dirty lie.

For one, I don’t believe it.  Sure you can say any character of a book is gay after the fact….but prove to me that he is.  I read all the books and I was actually pleased with the lack of sexual content.  Any mention of a relationship in the book referred to husband and wife.  A loving wife who gave her life for her child (Harry).

Since her little outing of Dumbledore our school has pulled the books, books by the way my kids have already read and now are asking why they are pulled.  Hey J.K., do you want to field that question for me since you’re so damn smart.  Did the life of a celeBRATy make you decide this was cool?  Please tell me your motivation.  Do you enjoy pulling the rug out on small children?

As rich as you are, I’m sure the slumping sales won’t affect your happiness…..I just hope your conscience does.

I am a room mom, that’s right, school administrators know that if they need someone to head the party committee for Halloween….well I’m the obvious choice.  I found out yesterday that I’m the only room mom who isn’t a mom.  I’m so proud.

Anyway as I pick up stuff for the Halloween bash I see the coolest little Halloween pails…..just perfect for my candy corn game….and ONLY 50 cents.  Of course I get to the check out and they ring up 5.88 each.  “UMMMMM wait a second” I say to the register lady.  And as she says “is there a problem” I notice out of my left eye a large line beginning to form.  Screw it….and instead of pleading my case, which my wife would do, I’m off…..of course I destroy the evidence (throwing away the receipt).  I know the little label on the shelf where the pails were said 50 cents, but I’m an avoid-er.  I avoid sitting in line pissing people off.  Heck the pails will last forever.  There are bigger battles to win right?

One more thing…..Just when does BREAKING news just become news.  I know the fires out west are bad, and I feel bad for those people, but hey it was breaking news 3 days ago…..so stop telling me it’s BREAKING news….it broke for crying out load.  And then to preempt my “Boston legal” show for an entire hour of news coverage of it.  HEY ABC, I can get NEWS coverage, um I mean BREAKING NEWS coverage from every other